RokDeez Bulls Blog

Throughout human history there have been many compelling works written by masterful thinkers, works so compelling and masterful they have shaped civilization as we know it. Plato’s Republic, God’s The Bible, and Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham, to name a few, but nothing written so far can even touch the wisdom I am about to unleash upon the world. This post I am writing, is the most important work that has ever been written in the entire History of Mankind (not the wrestler).

I was recently perusing the NBA News and came across an article detailing the decline in TV viewership of NBA games over the past decade. Evidently, viewership is down over 50% since 2012. That means the decline started waaaaay before Uncle Jerry Reinsdorf decided to move games to the arcane technology of antenna TV. I guess I can’t blame Uncle Jerry for this one.

So what’s the problem? Why isn’t the general public watching NBA basketball anymore? Could it be because kids would rather play 8 hours of 2K in there rooms with friends/strangers over the internet instead of just watching a 2 hour game filled with commercials? Is it because all the “games of the week” have been moved from network television to that new fangled cable TV? Could it be that TV viewership has generally declined with the advent of on demand streaming media services? Is it all the NBA rule changes that have nerfed the defense and physicality that was so prominent in the game up until the last couple decades? Maybe it’s that the most recent GOATS (LeBron and Curry) are both ancient and have yet to be replaced by another generational talent? No Real American (I.e. Hulk Hogan) knows who Nikola Jokic is, so by our logic he doesn’t actually exist. Or maybe it’s because superstars decide to just sit out games for “maintenance”? Sure, yeah, it’s probably all of those things, but Nah bro, it’s the 3 point line.

Ever since that poindexter, Steph Curry, discovered that 3 points is more than 2, and then won a dynasties worth of championships because of this math wizardry, the NBA has been in decline. Steph’s nerdy solution to the manliest of problems (how to be the best hooper in the world) changed the very fabric of reality. People woke up one morning and realized you don’t have to be a statuesque, chiseled, demi-god like LeBron to be a champion. All it takes is the looks of a poindexter and a semi consistent three point stroke. Soon other nerds were trying their hands at basketball. Plough boys, dough boys, European disco frequenters, were all lining up to take threes and win championships. The NBA went from an elite club of “Jocks Only”, to just another piece of nerd culture in the already oversaturated entertainment marketplace.

The NBA used to be counter-cultural, filled with rebels and people of color. Players had opinions on things and stood for social justicy stuff. They changed their names to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Metta World Peace. That damn three pointer has opened the borders. Now the best players in the league are white guys from Europe with bodies like butchers and the sneaky athleticism of a offensive lineman. You no longer need to be a super cool athlete to play basketball, you just need decent eyesight and a quick release. Rappers have stopped wanting to be a little taller so they could be ballers, and the analytical nerds have taken over the courts. The system has been gamed.

Because of the three pointer, the barrier for entry for new fans is too high. On/off splits, true shooting percentage, PIE (not the kind you eat), usage, pace, etc. All this mumbo jumbo has replaced Points, Assists, and Rebounds as the determination of a players worth. But you have to learn the mumbo jumbo, the nerd speak, if you want to be taken seriously as a fan. Not only that, but you have to hold a double degree in accounting and law if you even want to pretend to understand the rules surrounding free agency and trades.

Basketball fandom has gone from a thing you watched on Sunday afternoons at a friends house, to an obsessive numbers crunch, “Sure Zach LaVine averages nearly 30 points per game, but his assist to turnover ratio is less than stellar, he can’t help a team win a championship.”

Gone are the days of players in the high post, turning, fading, falling, firing, IT’S GOOD!!! (Unless of course you’re a Sacramento King fan and you get to watch DeMar DeRozan.) Few players get their points the way Jordan and Kobe did, and even fewer get them the way Shaq or Ewing did, hardcore, elbows to noses under the hoop, which kind of makes their accomplishments even more amazing when you think about it. Now a days it’s more like drive, kick, 3. Or swing, swing, 3. Or dribble across halfcourt, pull up, 3.

3 Pointers are the problem. And now that we know what the problem is, this should be an easy one to fix!

The mouth breathers of the world are going to scream in your face that the solution is to move the 3 point line back, make it a tougher shot. FOOLS!

The old school crowd is going to straight face tell you that you have to get rid of the 3 point line completely. “Wilt Chamberlain didn’t play with a three point line!” GERIATRICS!

If you really want to fix the NBA, you don’t eliminate the 3, you don’t push the line back, YOU MOVE THE THREE POINT LINE IN!

Let me show you with a drawing you simpleton…

What would pushing the 3 point line in do for the game of basketball? I’m glad you asked. It will immediately bring back the art of the mid-range jumper. DeMar DeRozan will become a god among hoopers. Also, all those famous broadcasting calls that feature some version of “He turns, falls, fires… It’s good!” will be back on the table for play-by-play announcers. But most important of all, I will be able to watch a Bulls game without seeing Julian Phillips, Dalen Terry, or Matas Buzelis catch a pass in the corner with one GD foot out of bounds (it happens at least once a game).

There really wouldn’t be any disadvantages to this change. Games would still be high scoring. Slow big men with poor eyesight and hands softer than a baby’s backside would be a viable strategy in the NBA again (and who doesn’t want that!). Rappers could go back to wishing they were a little taller so they could hit that oh so juicy pull up from elbow. The nerds would have to come up with some other analytical BS in order to subvert the overwhelming coolness that would immediately return to the sport. There is literally nothing wrong with this idea. You’re welcome Adam Silver. You’re welcome the NBA. You’re fixed.

Until the next time I save Mankind (not the wrestler) with my compelling, masterful, and slightly xenophobic writing, thanks for reading, thanks for subscribing, and GO BULLS!